how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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