The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
