You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
