I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
