I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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