it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
