It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
