I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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