I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
