The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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