if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
