I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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