DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
