That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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