got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
