bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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