you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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