How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
