I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
