U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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