She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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