wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
