so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
