I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
