I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
