the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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