I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
