If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
