No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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