The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
