How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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