Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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