If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You need a sexual gate keeper
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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