A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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