I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
