He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
