you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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