im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He better not be in your backpack
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
