Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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