They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just forgot I was standing up.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
