I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
