Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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