Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
