His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
