Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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