Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize