I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
