the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
