he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
