And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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