I think I died a long time ago.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
