If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
