I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
