someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
