Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
