first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
