Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
