Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
