Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize