When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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