I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
