Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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