After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
