i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
