We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Acid is not a monday night drug
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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